Maybe not

Well, my fabulous husband's doctor's appointment did not go well. I mentioned his back last time, but it turns out his knee, which has been bothering him periodically, is our big problem. "Osteoarthritis," says the doctor who had previously said, "not arthritis." We really weren't expecting that one. It goes away with stretching, he's been running on it without pain until we increased a bit, and he's not at all old!

Basically the doctor said that running was history for Joe. We're getting clarification on that, but it's still unnerving. I know that no running for Joe does not mean no running for me, but I can't help but feel like it is. Joe and I run together. We exercise together. It's part of who we are and we we've become as a couple. It's been a fabulous experience to go from being two over sized nacho eaters to two lean mean running energetic machines. It's really part of how I think of us as a couple.

Joe broke the news to me yesterday and I really felt like I was going to cry...actually I was on the verge of tears for a few hours. My office is kind of like a fish bowl, so almost crying is especially awkward. I was sad for Joe, I was sad for us, and I was sad for me. I felt ridiculous as I sat blinking back tears and asked myself, "What the hell Kerry?" Then I remembered the psychological reactions to injuries section of one of my classes. It was clear why I was freaking out. Characteristics that mediate how people respond to injury are: severity, onset, course, type, history, perceived recovery, and identity.

Here's why I was/am a mess:

• Severity-The doctor said this was permanent/incurable.
• Course-This injury has been here and then not so it never seemed like a big deal.
• Perceived recovery- See #1.
• Identity-As you can see, I derive a lot of identity from this aspect of our lives. The hopes of finishing a marathon just added to it.

Right now we're following up with the doctor to if there is a more certain way to diagnose this. We're not giving it up for a misdiagnosis! We're also looking for ways to improve the knee and maybe make running possible. I'm still holding out hope. I suppose if that doesn't work out, I'll need to work on redefining myself. Hmm...I really liked where I was going.

Marathon?

It's been ages since I last posted. Things have been pretty busy in my world, or at least pretty busy in terms of head space occupied. While I love the degree that I just finished earning, I don't think that it is going to take me anywhere. That makes me sad, but once I came to terms with it I launched into a new set of thoughts. I realized that I hate sitting behind a computer all day doing work that may benefit people, but never seeing those results. I will wither quickly if I stick with it, so I need a change of course. Now I'm thinking of pursuing my teaching license for elementary and middle school. I'm not sure what I'd teach yet. I'll let you know when I figure that out.

I'm not sure how this blog plays into that change. It may simply mean that I'll be more focused on the Miscellany and on myself than broader motivation. If I think of anything to talk about in terms of motivation in general, I might....just for the heck of it. This means I'll be using it as more of a "me" blog. My husband and I have a "we" blog so this will be different from that. If you want to check it out, you can. It's www.adventuresofwe.blogspot.com.

So what's this about a marathon you say? Well, Joe and I are pondering a marathon again. We started training for one last year and between Joe's bum knee, and my crappy hip and foot, we didn't make it very far. We certainly learned some good lessons in the meantime. Now we're armed with shoes especially for us, a lot more knowledge, and lots of physical therapy exercises. Hopefully we'll be more successful this time. We have one more hoop to jump through before we really commit though. Joe has to go to the Dr. to get approved to run. Apparently his back is broken (don't worry; it was that way for years and they only noticed when they did an x ray for another minor issue). His quack of a Dr. in AK told him he should never run. We haven't followed those instructions very well because he was such a quack, but we figured that he might not be wrong about everything and it might be worth a second opinion before we really increase our mileage.

All in all though, we're excited. I'm more excited for our runs because they may actually lead to something and they are more challenging. Ooh-there's some motivation for you. Goal setting and optimal challenge! I love learning the extent of my capabilities and exceeding my own expectations. I hope I keep loving it! The other part that thrills me, oddly enough, is that there's lots of research to be done. What do I need to know? How should I fuel? Everyone talks about carbohydrates. Do they mean whole grains or not? I usually eat whole grains and think of white flour as the same thing as sugar. Am I wrong here? You get the idea. I like answering an answerable question. It's the unanswerable ones that bother me.

I'll keep updating on how we progress, or don't!

Insecure? Me? Yes

My husband sprained his ankle recently. Now he's exercising the great practices of Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation and I'm stuck without an exercise partner. He is the ultimate social support for exercising because I want him to be healthy just as much as I want to be healthy for him. We rarely miss a day of exercise together, but now that he's down for the count, I'm missing exercise like crazy. I'm not only missing it, skipping it, but also missing, longing, for it.

So yesterday I went for a run ....and found out just how insecure I still am.

One of my meetings was cancelled at work so I had an extra hour of time which made running a viable option. I work at a rec center so I usually have some work-out-esque things shoved under my desk. I dug around and found a pair of 3/4 length pants that my mom helped me alter after my tush shrunk, a tank top that was too skimpy for the cold weather, a pair of my favorite socks, and, God help me, my trail running shoes. I lacked a sports bra, but, being not so well endowed, I decided it would be fine just this once. I also lacked a jacket or shirt of the appropriate weight and decided to make do with my north face apex jacket. Better to be hot than cold I figured.

I bundled up my gear and headed for the locker room where the insecurity started. I plunked my bundle on a bench and had commenced changing when a student I work with came in after her workout. We greeted each other and both displayed appropriate locker room disinterest, but I immediately began freaking out about how she might judge me for sporting a standard bra rather than the appropriate sports bra. I wanted to explain that I usually wear one, but just didn't have one. My more rational side stopped me from humiliating myself by reminding me that 1. she probably didn't notice, and 2. she certainly didn't care.

Through the locker room ordeal, I headed out for the run. I felt awkward in my jacket. It felt like I'd just put on my pants with my work clothes on top and gone for a run. Did people think I was ridiculous for running in such a jacket? I felt awkward in my pants, did people notice that the slit wasn't shaped quite correctly from the alteration? Did we manage to maintain the original shape of the pant when we altered it? Did people notice that? I desperately wanted my running tights. I felt awkward in my shoes. I was plodding along with no spring in my step yearning for some cushion, but instead of focusing on how dumb it really was for me to be wearing those shoes and increasing my chances for re injuring my foot, I was focusing on what other people might think. Was I passing serious runners? Did they know I was wearing trail shoes? Did they think I was a fool? I felt like I was plodding; could they tell? I wanted to put a sign on my chest explaining that I do know what shoes to wear on different surfaces and that I just wore them because I really wanted to go for a run.

After I'd made it through all these thoughts, my incredible insecurity struck me. Part of me was still worried, but another part had separated itself from the insecurity to scrutinize the feelings I was having. As you know, I've studied motivation in exercise and spent a substantial amount of time thinking about it and it occurred to me that if I can feel this insecure, other people must be totally overwhelmed with worry. There I was, a runner of sorts, an exerciser certainly, a woman taller than the average woman, lighter than the average woman, doing something healthy for myself and I was insecure. This new scrutinizing part of me pointed out that I was running and had nothing to be ashamed of and further, that I probably intimidate people. When my husband and I go for a walk at lunch, we see lots of people running. They wear big floppy sweats, shorts of various styles, serious running gear, shoes in various states of repair, and have bodies of various shapes and sizes, but I never think about any of it. Perhaps they are wishing that they were invisible and that none of the other runners or walkers could see them run. What a crappy way to feel.

I don't yet know what this has to do with motivation, but I'm working on that. I think it may say something about the exercise "in" crowd and how intimidating we all can be despite our best efforts to make exercise seem accessible. Perhaps it has to do with optimal challenges and creating situations that challenge people, but still allow them to feel success. Maybe it has to do with consciousness raising, and acquainting people to the norms, practices, and opportunities of an activity before they engage. Really, I think it says a lot about social support and the need for experienced exercisers to gracefully escort new exercisers into their world with compassion, generosity, and clarity. I've never felt foolish running with my husband. Clearly he thinks I'm the bees knees so everyone else must think so too...right? Really though, as long as I feel secure, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Anyway, I finished my run and it felt pretty good, though my legs felt rather pounded from the poor choice of shoes and I did aggravate my foot injury. Today I'm sporting my real running shoes, because they provide the most support. I'm trying not to be truly stupid about this foot anymore (Don't worry, I know I shouldn't wear them all day very often). You can't wear running shoes if you work just anywhere. Thank goodness for a rec center.